I Miss You

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As I mourned the loss of my second love, I realized how wrong I had been for years.  I didn’t love him the way I loved you.  That second “heart break” was easily forgotten and once I finally decided to end the relationship with him, I didn’t look back; not like with you.

Three years later and I find myself in somber at the thought of you with someone else, while I’ve accepted that he has moved on a million times over. But with you, I cannot let go.  I will always love you.  And I fear that, because I know I can never have you like I used to.  I’m coming to accept a life I never imagined- one where I go through my days always yearning for what will never fully be there.  You are gone, but everyday I miss you.  And everyday I wish it was the day where you miss me too.

Until next time,

❤ Kat

A Midnight Confession

I don’t have anything particular to say tonight. I have a million little things I’d like to say, but I’m too afraid to say them because these things are real and honest. And the truth, I’ve learned, can be too much to bear sometimes.  I find myself missing the wrong people and being sad over the wrong things- things from years ago that should be faded memories by now.  My most recent setback, is actually not what bothers me anymore. My past does. A lot.

Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you were using something as a distraction? Even though in the moment it felt like you genuinely needed that distraction and it didn’t even feel like a distraction.  It felt like the next stage of your life- like something you were supposed to be doing. Something that was right.

Lately, I think I spent a year distracting myself from problems from years ago, and they are now catching up to me.  What is scary is that I thought I had resolved those issues, and now I have no idea how to.

Until next time,

❤ Kat

Honest- The Neighbourhood

Today I am cheating by posting words that are not my own at all. But I tried to find the right words and realized they were already written in this song.

Patience, test my patience.
If I made it too hard for you maybe you should’ve changed it.

Say it, you should say it,
‘Cause I’d say I was wrong just to make it fill all the spaces.

Waiting, always waiting.
If I gave you control would you say that we could’ve saved it?

I hope you find a way to be yourself someday,
In weakness or in strength,
Change can be amazing.
So I pray for the best, I pray for the best for you.

I wish you could be honest, I wish you could be honest with me.
I wish you could be honest, I wish you could be honest with me.
Chasing, always chasing dreams.
Why’d you stick around, why’d you stay with me?
Why’d you fake it?

Hesitation is killing me too.
But I couldn’t save it, I couldn’t save it.

I hope you find a way to be yourself someday,
In weakness or in strength,
Change can be amazing.
So I pray for the best, I pray for the best for you.

So I pray for the best, I pray for the best for you.
I wish you could be honest, I wish you could be honest with me.

I wish you could be honest, I wish you could be honest with me.

I wish you could be honest, I wish you could be honest with me.

I wish you could be honest, I wish you could be honest with me.

 

Until next time,

❤ Kat

It’s All About Choice

I’ve heard debates from professionals in the mental health community that link infidelity in relationships to PTSD. And I can see where these arguments are coming from. Infidelity is traumatic and devastating and, unfortunately, far too common. Too many people are too quick to say “I love you” and take relationships too lightly without fully understanding the level of commitment and responsibility that come along with those words and the act of being a partner. You always have a choice. Always. Either choose your partner or choose to leave. Or at least choose to tell your partner you are considering alternatives so they can either choose to stay or leave themselves.

 
But we live in a 71f5c5789c65acd4cc72c48d1a1eb800world where people can never make up their minds and stick to a decision. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gone to lunch with someone and we spend 30 minutes trying to figure out where to go. It’s pathetic. We live in a world of instant gratification where we don’t really know how to work for anything because it’s always just available. How would we know, then, how to work on a relationship? What keeps us from waiting for something better to come along? What keeps us from trying to fix things if we can just replace it?

 

I wish more people were more honest. I wish they were more kind. I wish they were more considerate. I’ll be ok, because I’m finally choosing to. I’m tired of letting this situation get the best of me and tear me down because I think I deserve it. I probably do; I am a part of this careless society, after all. Still, I’m choosing to do something about it. But that doesn’t change the immense disappointment I feel.

 

Until next time,

❤ Kat

The Difference

There’s a difference between crying when you’re mad and crying when you’re sad.  Angry tears make your breathing uncontrollable and your body shaky. Sad tears leave you paralyzed. The hurt overwhelms you leaving you without the strength to even produce tears. No energy to do anything but lay perfectly still – the tears falling down your face seamlessly.

Until next time,

❤ Kat

What Now?

I decided I don’t want to die.

I contemplated it for a while. What would happen if I did? Who would care? The typical narcissistic thoughts that run through your head when thinking about death.

But I never saw it as a real possibility. There’s still too much I have to do.  And there are still too many things I haven’t yet seen.  I’m very optimistic about my future.

Still, I don’t really want to live right now either. I don’t have that kind of energy to really exist.  I’d like very much to be in a comatose state where time is still. I thought maybe a vacation would be less morbid, but even that is not enough of a getaway- I’d still have my thoughts racing.  It’s unescapable.

I’d like to take some time to just not be. A six-week dreamless sleep. I doubt very much that it would actually solve any of my problems, but maybe it would be good for my anxiety-filled, fatigued body. Maybe it would allow enough time to pass for the people I surround myself with to better their own situations so I don’t have to deal with helping them through the process (because I’m innately selfish). Or maybe I’ll wake up and be exactly where I am now.  What then?

What now?

Until next time,

❤ Kat

To My Friend Who Feels Empty Inside. This Is For You.

Dear Friend,

Do not be afraid to be yourself.  Your past has shaped you, but does not need to define you completely.  You are beautiful and strong. Your optimism shines through you even though you feel so dark inside. Your presence brings peace to those around you- it’s no wonder why so many people are drawn to you.

You told me about mistakes you have made in the past; some in the present, too.  It’s ok. We all make them. But please, friend, learn from them.  Use them to make you a better person and to grow and mature. You are so young in the way you think- so impulsive and defensive.  That’s ok, too, because life is about growing.

I think about stories you have shared with me about what you have seen in life and I thank you for letting me in on those dark times.  Sometimes I see you as my child and I wish I could protect you from the cruelties of the world.  I wish you had someone there when you were younger who could have shielded you and kept your spirit pure and naive. I wish you had better role models. But I guess it was necessary to see these things to be able to accept the world for what it can be.  What it can be.  Not what it has to be or what it necessarily is.  Please always remember you have the power to create your own life and the world, as you see it, can be whatever you want it to be. You are more powerful than you think and can make it so.

Friend, you are beautiful.  And you are smart and kind and there for those who need you.  You remind me of myself. I think that’s why we got along.  But that gets you in trouble too often.  I know, because it gets me in trouble too.  You see one of the problems with being there for others is that you take on the unnecessary responsibility of maintaining their well-being.  You take it upon yourself to protect them when it is not needed. You don’t realize you are hurting them more in the process.

Friend, as wonderful of a person I think you are, I also think you are very scared of the truth and the consequences that can come from it.  You have lived a double life for so long, I doubt you can recognize genuineness when it comes from another person.  Sometimes I wonder if you can even recognize genuine feelings in yourself.  I have seen you go back and forth with what you say too many times. I have seen you run to solutions you think are the best, that end up being the worst.

Friend, please take some time for yourself. Please allow yourself the time to become the best version of yourself.  Most importantly, please be honest with yourself.  About everything.  I know you are at a cross roads and planning your next move.  Do what is best for you.  Love yourself the way I love you- unexpected and pure.  I think if you do this you will find the peace you are looking for.  And everything will be ok.

Until next time,

❤ Kat